Each day is one day closer to deployment coming to an end.
Each day is also another day of missing the person you are in love with.
B often tells me, “No sad face,” even when we are just talking because he can hear it in my voice from time to time. I do try to not be sad when I talk to him, making conversation about anything else. The weather, daily monotonous activities, exciting adventures we’ll take after he’s home… anything that isn’t sad or unhelpful.
Occasionally it slips through, my sad face. Especially during video chat… when we have to say goodbye.
I hate saying goodbye.
I’ve read the blogs and articles about how to act “this way” and not “that way” when your partner is deployed. And I try. But also… I hate those “rules.” I mean, I get them. I get why we don’t want to add any stress for your partner in an already stressful situation. But… fuck… I’m at a loss here.
B’s gone and my closest friends are also kind of gone.
Given the swiftness of our engagement and my moving, my closest friends and I haven’t really spoken about it. I know they don’t approve, and I am not in the mood to defend myself. My life is about to be changed drastically and I feel alone in the process of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still really excited. I’m just excited by myself. Without my closest friends approving, I don’t have anyone to go to when I’m having a shitty day and just want to whine and bitch about how much deployment sucks or why can’t I find a fucking job. Nor do I have them to be able to share the awesome things like how sweet he is to me or how I might go back to school.
Some days you just want to know that you’re closest friends are happy that you are happy.
Today just feels like a sad face day in Love In A Time Of Deployment.